troubled teen...

3.30.2007

I have a new life everyday, cause whatever that happened ytd, whatever that happened the day be4, be it last week or last yr, i wont bring it to today. My past, i wont blame it on my future. I take my past as a learning experience, not something that i can use it to destory my future.

so what if someone call me zhang guo rong? F it, should i kill him? of juz a mere word can make a person feel upset, den shouldn't i have killed a dozen of a55holes? forget it. i'm upset trying to make people feel better, or even say a word of sry.
whatever, it's juz the way i am

fading away; 11:59 PM

been to ah wei de bloggie, wa!! the song veri nice, the gurl veri pwetty. :x Oppx, act cute!. lol.. ok.. fines.

There is nothing that i can blog about today, nothing interesting happened. Sth happened to Eric, Sara seems dead. Aba is out with his brother. Waited for wendy and br for 30 mins. Saw bro, didn't really talked much, but still was happy.
Started fire quite a no. of times at warehouse, lol! I'm a firestarter!! my ancestor is the caveman leh. LOl! duhx.. :x

Rap song, by eminem, my fav rap artist. He rox. Most of his lyrics is written by himself. and it has lots of meaning even though it's explict. those words express how he feels.
Will often change different songs, to suit the different moods of life. yeah. F it. haha..

fading away; 11:24 PM

Hey bro, i know what u are goiing thru, with those loves, cares and concerns. But at the end of the day, it's juz empty, promises? nahx.. words that dun mean, isn't it?
I think i know what you are going thru, may be it's just that i haven't been thru it. I dunno what i can say to help you out, or do to make this u be happy again.
U are a serious guy, asking u not to be serious is tantamount to asking the sky never to rain. Which means, it's impossible.
Cause u are a guy, full of feelings, sentimental and Chi Qing.
I pity u, as i believe, gurls at this century wont stay still until marriage or when children comes along. Juz treat it as a experience, or mayb u should start relaxing urself.
Haven u thought that mayb, all those words said by C, was juz the feeling of finding comfort in u? I dunno if it's at all right or wrong. But u been taking the words "feelings" and "love" way too seriously, that i can feel that u are starting to lose ur found soul from the past.

Bro, try and take things easy, try not to stress urself out due to feelings. Why not rather, finish ur exam, and it's time for swensen time? u have Roy the Bro.hehe. :x ur have nel, jbear, kit and even ur other frds. Why bother over woman? U told me be4, man should concentrate on career 1st, and also in the mean time, we need entertainment.. but u already have KOF as entertainment.. dun tell me, u woo gurls and get urself hurt for the fact of entertainment ar.. heed my 'cute' little advice, u will find a better way out.

And to other people, i spent some time thinking.. When we start blaming other people, or our own gfs/bfs, thus due to some problem, that they might have. and quarrel alot about it. den u keep on blaming him/her over the problems.. i think its quite wrong to think that way, why not u take the point the other way round..
Mayb the problems, lie in urself? think about it.. mayb it is us that need to do the changing while not the other party? Why wont u think that we are the people who need some reflection? think about it.. mayb it will make tml a better day. :D

fading away; 1:33 PM

3.29.2007

I do not wan to look at you, i wan to stare at you.
Because u are gorgeous.
I do not wan to blink my eyes, because i'm afraid that you would no long be there after that split second. I dun wan to lose you.

Eeee! I'm SICK!! FLU, and a abit of sore throat. And what caused that? All thanks to aba, ask me go eat Kfc ytd dinner. :(
But still, i'm cool. I'm suppose to be in MIA today, and yeap, i stayed home all day.
Regarding about anger management, i came out with a conclusion. I have decided, each time i'm angry, i will hide myself away, or keep eating, until i'm famished and satisfied. Cause there is a Chinese saying, that a full stomach brings about a happy person. So, when u are hungry, u are unhappy, if u are full, naturally, u will be HAPPY!
And i juz had Mee Hoon Kuay for my dinner. And seriously, it has been long since i had settled for such simple meal already, almost every meal of mine is either 6++ or 10++. Sushi, Fast food, Pepper Lunch.. omg, those are the reasons why i'm fat. and i have to lose these weight, to do dancing and hook on gurls. Z_Z.

fading away; 8:04 PM

3.28.2007

after much thoughts and consideration, i have decided to go into MIA mode. Tml, i will be hiding at home and do some self reflection. After reading Lizze's post and big bro's post, i seriously feel that i need to do some reflection, especially due to anger management.

I dun get angry ezily, but when i get angry, i would be veri veri ANGRY. and not anyone can bring me back to my senses.
Wont be smsing or replying anybody, onli expect for the few. F5, aba and big bro. for anybody else, sms me some other day. and YES, i'm copying u, lizze. HMph! i dun care me, i also dun care u. Bleahs..
the song in my bloggie is 愛的主旋律.

fading away; 11:05 PM

3.27.2007

AHHHHHHH!
i wanna faint liaox. i read yan de post, and big bro de post.
my post which is plainly based on anger, i get what u mean, bro.
u are trying to tell me not to kill innocent people becos of my anger?
i know it's wrong, i know everything that i said in that post is wrong.
it's none of my business, FINE, i wont care. why put other people's burden on our own shoulder eh?
i should start believing in what goes round, comes round. the person will get what it should deserve.
to talk about maturity at this age, i think none of us fits in. all that we can talk and judge is experience.

thanks yan for ur post, i somehow or rather got what u are telling. anger is wrong.
i'm much more cooled. it suddenly occured, the feeling so strong to kill her.
i wanted to take the revenge for my man. but it's all wrong.
i wanna apologise for even the intention, and mindset of wanting to 'kill' her.

hey bro, ur posts all so long!! bleahs. haha. ty. ty for being there dude, today, when i was out with Shi min and katie, we gossiped. Oppx, i did, we talked about life, and everything under the sun? nono.. ceilling. :X
Katie suddenly came out with this question, who do u feel that is mature, amongst us? U know what? haha, i said u. and nobody else. i dunno why, but whenever i think of u, i think of a lecture, someone who can teach me and makes me be aware of right and wrong. yeah, ur my man. haha

o yeah, we went orchard today, as i missed katie alot. it's been long since i last hanged out with her, so i called her ytd and made a date with her. As the 2 of us seems kind of weird, so i asked min to come along too. and u know what? we had pepper lunch!! yay! obviously, i have a huge stomach, so i wasn't feeling full. Anyways, we went shopping and watched a movie. Teenage mutant ninja turtle, and it's so GAY! but cute in some sort of way. haha.
and yeah its been long since i been spying on gurls. cause, it's more like a daily routine for me to look and gurls and fish. but yet, i haven done that for quite some time.. And i saw alot of gurls, i mean woman, in orchard. yeah, and i held the door opened for some school gurls, and walked away without smiling. hell, i didn't fished today.. i juz mere looked ard. i think i'm turning gay soon. omg. whos gonna be my boyfrd? Haha. jokes.

who hasn't been cheated of love? haix.. i dunno.. my head is aching, it hurts.. too much words, and too little slp. am gonna slp soon. cares for all. and thanks for those people who reads my posts and blogs.

fading away; 9:09 PM

I tell u 1 thing. Bro, i'm damn right, i think woman that are stupid, deserves to be played, and don't deserve any pity at all.

Nan ren bu huai, Niu ren bu ai.

This finally made sense to me. A bad guy, is a guy who knows how to manipulate a woman, make woman love them. i dunno if this is 100% correct, but i know one thing for sure, this onli applies on stupid WOMAN, and THERE are stupid GURLS/WOMANS out there. and i think i juz witnessed an episode of it. i can't confirm, and yan, dun contradict my words, i'm plainly venting anger.

my man, seriously, u deserve someone better. cause, u been foolishy cheated out of ur feelings. and thats stupid man. i told u upteem times, bang her and kick her away. whats the law about respect? ur stupid respect ends up with a stupid broken heart. i pity u. woman are juz so untrustable. i dun even understand why man deserves such treatment? ain't eve the one who took the fruit? i know i'm wrong to blame my ancestor, but does man deserves such kind of treatment? blame it that she is our frd, if not, i will make her days living hell. *if anyone watched The Damned Love by rain*, u will know what i'm talking about.

fading away; 1:54 AM

3.26.2007

as the sky darkens,
the whole world is devoured by darkness.
den the lighting and thunder cracks the sky apart,
down come the rain.

life is about everything.
actually, when are we happy?
the times when we are too young to rmb anything?
the times when we can rmb nothing but play?
the times when we jump into our parents curdle?
when we are too simple-minded to think about "what to do next?"?

anyways, i wanna say this. i dunno who would agree with me, or mayb alot of people would disagree.
When u say that u wan to last forever.. dun lie to urself, cause u will be the one saying, Let's Break. haha wanna bet? LOL. Which relationship, at my age grp from 13 - 21, can last till marriage? One in a million? 1/1 000 000 or 1/1 000 000 000? i can bet on this. I wan to repeat what my big brother told me, for those people who says about forever.

"when u enter a new enviroment, from sec to ITE, JC or POLY, or even guys go MINDEF at the age of 16, ur heart and mindset would change." Everything would be diff. When u grow up, ur thinking, or enviroment, would change. Such as, u grow more mature, and u need a better one. Or mayb, u meet a better one? Or mayb, u cannot have one? ka0x. WHOEVER that tells me about wanting a relationship so much, den CRY like a big baby, when they fell down, " u still have a long way to go, towards maturity"
yesh eric, i'm talking about u, u been brought to heaven and fell flat on the floor, it's juz a procedure of growing up, is either u learn what happened, and how to handle it. and plz, stop acting like a big kid, i dun wan to say this infront of u, cause i'm afraid u will kill urself infront of me. Since u been hurt, pick urself up again. I'm Roy, a normal human, u too. why am i able to pick myself up again, u cant? ur the man, U ARE THE MAn, come on! u have my support in everything.

fading away; 11:28 PM

each time i thought back, about my past, about the intent , the "want", the feel, to do something gre8, to have a gf, to be loved by someone. it's been 2 yrs, since i last felt it. all i wan is the eyes of the public to turn to my direction, i try to look stupid, i try to be the real me. but each time, my frds say that it's disgracing them. ha.
those are my past.
I keep telling people that, since it's the past, put it behind a locket, and lock it up.
since we are living in the present, we have to constant move on.
i was able to say, but unable to do so. haix.

how long has it been ? how long has it been, since i last expected something from u, K? everytime i think of u, the cut up heart, would bleed again. each time my heart reminds myself of u, the scars darkens and deepens. it's veri painful. it's veri veri painful, ever since the last time i fell from heaven to earth again, i stop myself from expecting more gurls. i looked back into my past, and did some reflection, everything was my fault. no one else, but my own fault, my own fault that i did not start hating u, but forgiving u.

To yienn, i know u will never read this post. i complained to the whole world, how much i hate u, how much i dislike u, after we broke up. so much so that i can kill u, by using those words. i'm wrong, i was in the wrong. i expected too much from u, mayb everyone who knows about our relationship or even heard from both side the story, they might even think that u are in the wrong, cause i really did my best. but no.. i'm still in the wrong, i brought u to such agony, i'm sorry. the main reason we broke up, was not becos of what, mayb the true reason behind it, is that i need a break. we need a break. we need to know what we are thinking.. yeah..

to bro, i finally realised why denise would be treating u this way. cause i juz had it.. and i know it's a painful experience. Denise is in love with someone else, and she plainly took u as a frd.. but u took it seriously, even when u constantly remind urself that u cannot fall in love. When u cared so much for her, it's a human nature to expect something back. that is why, u are expecting alot from her, while mayb she is someone who isn't a expert in this field, did not know how to react, so reacted childishly. don't blame her.. The problem : u rushed into things, u didn't make clear what she really wans. i think.. bro.. u should apologise to her, as i certainly feel that, u are making life hard for her.. and urself. also, tell her what i told u, ONLI IF U FEEL THAT WHAT I TOLD U ARE ALL CORRECT.
as i dunno what u are thinking, that is juz a guess.

i did my reflection, eric told me, since i have suffered so much pain be4, it's time i enjoy.. this isn't enuff. I wish i can undergo cold turkey (those drug addict undergo, when they wan to kick the habit), feeling the thousand worms crawling within me.. how i wish i can be hammered on a bed of nails. the pain within me is unbearable. so much unbearable, i onli feel numb, it's really been long since i last being curdled.

i may sound pathetic, but i dun expect u to care for me, for what i'm going thru.. but rather, for who i am.. ah, whatever, who cares?

fading away; 7:06 PM

3.25.2007

seriously, it's really getting bored. It's Weekend!! and it's sunday today!! and yet i'm hanging myself at home. and the reason behind that, none asked me out. and i'm seriously getting bored. It's been so long since my weekends are so unoccupied. lol. but still, for the past month, i have been going out almost every single day, so it seems to be a good time for me to cool..

yeah seriously, i ain't suppose to feel so down, why should i eh? I should be HAPPY :D. YAY!! Like looking for gurls to hump? :X ALright, jk! i mean.. cool.. chill for a moment, get some tequila to chill, i see.. mayb next week after my pay comes, den go get some hard liqour to chill with peeps. yeah, Alright! drinking shouldn't inculde gurls. cause guys would get all "steamed up" and omg.. HAHA. alright.. jokes..

happy happy happy, happy man! wooohoo.. yeah yeah..

fading away; 2:30 PM

3.24.2007

if do u achieve at the end of the day? when it isn't yours, how ever much u do
how ever hard u try and grab hold of it. it will never be yours. *whatever..*

so what.. Monster Lee. the one guy who takes ur sorrows and pain,
as a form of pleasure is back. what is so nice, being a nice guy eh?
not onli do u get step upon, u wont be noticed. being an un-gentleman
is much more better. wont have to bother how other people looks at u.
wont have to care what other hotties have to say even infront of u.
who cares?
whatever.. cause i wan to be the who i am, and the way i am. who would care?

Fantastica, we will get ourselves drunk on that day to come eh?
HAd i never been drunk be4, and all the while i'm taking care of peeps.
now it's gonna be my turn. Drowning my sorrows in alcohol, it's not un-gentlemanly to do that eh.. bro.. haha. :P
I seriously starting to hate this down part of my life alot more than other parts..

fading away; 8:42 PM

3.23.2007

Seriously, i feel that mood has been rather down for me these days. I dun feel like doing anything, feel like working till i die. even more feel like working till i drop dead.

i think i'm suffering from some "illness" like what my big bro is suffering from. Haix.
to everyone : Every decision u make, there will always be a consequences, be it good or bad.
For every decision and consequences that make come, do not regret.

haix. recently, i'm back to my down part of my life. When i see films, series, human beings that are so much in love, my heart juz drop dead like it was shot in the heart. hell. how i wish i can kiss like there is no tml, how i wish i can hug her and never to let it go. Juz like every fantasy we wish to be in. haix. To have faith in oneself is like giving urself a gun and armor to be ready for an ancient battle that wields swords and shields. But how much or even how many people can even carry that kind of faith and confidence in oneself? futher more, how is it even possible to succeed? i wan to be like that, so i wont fail.. but i guess, whatever i ever wanted, would never be mine.

Dejection.
So sad that i laugh crying.
So pain that i felt no pain.
So much sorrows, no space left for happiness.
whatever, who would care anyway?
all they would say is that i'm stupid.
all they could encourage me is juz " get a better one. "
Who would EVER understand how i feel?
U PEOPLE never know, U PEOPLE act as if u know,
but u people actually care is, "plz stop talking, get some life dude."
make out with some gurls and go banging them like AH AH AH!.
Do u think i even care?
I may be chicky, i may be horny, but the main factor of love ain't about SEX,
but feeling what the other party is feeling and share it between u 2.
So shit u man, if sex is ur life, get some aids and get dying.

fading away; 6:18 PM

3.22.2007

omg. this is crazy. haix. to hear someone speak of pursuing career and putting career infront of feelings and emotion. wow. thats totally insane, but thats veri veri independent.

fading away; 11:37 PM

3.21.2007

To bro: :) thank you. i seriously do not know that i have the kind of flow that would make people admire.. XD. Nvm, ur the 1 and onli one, my bro. haha. Not gay eh.. haha! gotcha

20th march : been to Elizabeth's chalet to celebrate her birthday. As she is an ex tuition mate of mine, so many of my readers wont know who she is. but it's ok, she is a gurl that seriously make me wonder why is life so difficult and so ez to walk. Do not understand eh? nvm. :x
I was her frd, and i do not know her other frds, and she asked me to bring along a frd, but i didn't wan my frd to be awkward, so i went down alone. Anyways, did i tell u this? i clicked with her frds, we enjoyed the wild night with ghost stories and laughters.
I bought a little sth which didn't cost much, but yet she is telling me that the present is so expensive. it's the way the necklance is.. it's exquiste, and beautiful. There is suppose to be a meaning behind it, but since the meaning doesn't made any usage of itself, den no point talking about it. so its juz a beautiful neckie. :X
seriously, i wonder. whats up with life, ytd night was totally wild, lucky i didn't lost my temper, over some issues, if not the party would be thrashed. haha.

alright.. ending here.. time to go out for sushi!

好朋友

像两首节拍不同的歌却又同时被爱情合奏旋律勉强着
愉快不能够假装快乐你心中有宽阔的天空但空气好稀薄　

曾经以为等待会改变什么你总会属于我　
但是最后时间证明了你只喜欢我

你说我比较像你的好朋友只是不小心拥抱着
你道歉你难过于是我给你笑容　谁在乎我的心还会不会寂寞

如果爱情是五线谱我曾希望用全音符
吟唱出爱上你那完整的幸福但你的心没有耳朵即使我为你唱着歌你也只看见我哭了　

你说过我是你最好的朋友却不应该再拥抱着　
你退缩你冷漠于是我放开双手不在乎我的心会永远的寂寞

fading away; 11:53 AM

3.20.2007

To big brother :

Seriously, thank you veri much for the concern and enlightment.
Each time u give me a piece of advice, be it long or short, it really encourages me and enlights me.
About the 1st 3 questions that i spoke of, it's not related to what happen.
As i known the person for a couple of days onli, i mean, she is an old frd. but we broke contact.
I seriously thought that she was a mature person, somemore who can understand. but i was wrong.
I really wan to vent my anger so much, that i think i can probably kill someone.
The pain and anguish, disgust and sorrows rage in me like burning fire.
I feel like stabbing myself to feel whether if i can still feel pain physically..
I really dunno what i should do, people ard me are carrying heavy burdens, i dunno who to talk to, who i can talk to. Bro, i dun wanna disturb u, u have ur exams, ur worries. I dun wanna pressure u anymore.
So, i can onli swallow my own pain, vent it out somewhere people wont really care. My blog is onli frequent by 2 person. and thats what i guess.
Bro, it's my 1st time encountering such problem, after i saw what u wrote, i seriously feel that i'm back to whom i am. Like a kid, whining. haha. thanks. u enlighten me.

anyways, bro, share a little sth wif u. I lost the feeling to love and to like anyone after that incident regarding about k. The one person who brought me back to feet again was her.. She told me that loving a person and liking her isn't about appearance, but about the char. After a chat with the person for a night, i felt a gush of disgust of my past. but when she took me for granted, i really dunno what i'm thinking now.. lust lust lust lust, my mind is treating female as toys. i have so much so much chances to lust, but i could not bring myself to do it. how much i wan to be a disgusting a55hole, but i didn't do it. because i'm not low or cheap. but i do not know why, i have to be treated that way.. like i'm a useless person.. seriously i think i might become a gay soon. JK! haha! alright.. joke.. haha.. the person whom brought me back to feet, is that same gurl that broke me down.
Haix.. it's really been a lot of times that i have been taken up to heaven, and down to hell... haix..

fading away; 12:38 PM

3.15.2007

i'm really sorry about the previous vulgar post. haix. i feel that i have met even more types of people in life. and if u seriously feel that ur life is pathetic, i feel that mine is much more devastating.

fading away; 6:09 PM

3.13.2007

Hey bro, thanks for being my life fan of the bloggie.

Haha. I would love to pour out my feelings, but whenever i feel so uptight, i would take my pen and pen all my feelings into a book that i have. The book has lots of Sky's thoughts and feeling in it. Anyways, i got a new name for myself, given by the Fantastica. STOP CALLING ME NONG-ER in public plzz! New name : Sky Lee. Yo Yo!. Kind of hop eh?

anyother 14 more hours and my JAE appeal would be out. i thought that supply chain management and Business Application need humanities to be 6.. but it onli req, 3 main sub. Lucky!! yay! my chances to get into Rp is much more higher, as sara and min are in those school, it provides me a chance to hang out with them even more. :D err.. not to think the kinky way..

fading away; 12:03 AM

3.12.2007

had been overseas.. had fun. and lost the impulse of updating my bloggie everyday. as i feel that blogging in juz juz juz so plain. but until i found out that blogging tells the world my feeling and ways i see things, while people gives me comments.. i think blogging is kind of a way to learning something.

***************************************************
These are sth that i thought of, in the moments of impulse,
i noted them down in my journal.

: I delibrately hurt you, never to allow you to face the world.

But the moment i found out, that i once misunderstood you,

I ran across the world to find you.

Sorry is the one word that keeps appearing in my mind.

I love you is a never changing fact for me and you.

haix.. in this life, i really do not know what i'm searching for.. i do not tend to move faster and my mind is starting to slow down, as though that i'm aging. Holy! No! My!! i'm still 17+. hehe :P
Either way, i found out that commitment isn't as easy as said den to be done. As doing commitment is like losing ur freedom and ur choices in life. Like, where u wanna go in the future and where u wanna be. and i mean the kind of commitment in BGR.

As i recently met a frd, an old frd whom once made me feel like a shit, and i forgiven as i know that grude for me can never be held more than a yr. As time juz pass by, i found out that it's more like fate bringing us together.. and more like fate wanting me to grow up and understanding my surroundings. at last, a few talking session with her, it really made me realise about facts and everything, ard us. That is the time when i grew up abit more.

fading away; 12:08 AM